Positive Approaches Journal, Volume 10, Issue 1

Volume 10 ► Issue 1 ► May 2021

Building a Socially Fulfilling Life with a Mental Health Diagnosis: A Firsthand Perspective

Joan Moore

Introduction

For a long time, it was difficult for me to find fulfillment from my social life.  It took a lot of work, and I continue working hard to maintain that sense of fulfillment. Professionals gave me a lot of advice on how to achieve this, but the process was very much my own. Sometimes the best path for me was not the path that was recommended. In comparing my experience with other people I've helped, both in my professional role as a Certified Peer Specialist (CPS), and in my personal life, I've noticed that each person has had a unique approach to building a social network they feel good about. People have different social needs, and different ideas of what constitutes social connectedness. Having a mental illness can pose unique social challenges. In this article I will discuss my own personal experience in overcoming these challenges, and the observations I have made throughout the process.

___

I have been learning how to communicate my entire life. Communication is a crucial part of human existence, yet also a major source of frustration for many people. I've always found it interesting that something so fundamental to human life is not necessarily something that comes easily.

I never would have described myself as having poor communication skills, but I often felt mis-understood, which caused me to feel segregated from other people. I began experiencing this feeling of segregation as early as grade school. My relationships with my friends and family were often turbulent, and I felt as though I didn't belong. I believe mental illness played a large role in the feelings of segregation I experienced.

There were some aspects of my social life which were directly impacted by my mental illness. My illness caused severe mood swings, and I was unable to manage my emotions. My explosive displays of emotion made the people around me feel uncomfortable, or afraid. My situation was further aggravated by a personality disorder, in which passive aggressive behavior was my standard response to conflict. This created a huge barrier to my ability to have and maintain a healthy social life, and it was one of the hardest barriers for me to overcome.

For some people, even the treatment process can pose barriers. To effectively manage my mental illness, I had to undergo multiple inpatient stays, and intensive outpatient treatment. Mental health professionals often told me that it would be better for me to avoid making too many friends in the mental health system. There was concern that two recovering individuals might have a negative impact on each other, especially if one was to have a relapse or experience a personal crisis. When an individual is involved in such extensive treatment, there is not a lot of opportunity to meet people outside of the mental health system. For some individuals, the limited ability to meet people outside of the mental health system when one is so deeply embedded in the mental health system can definitely be a barrier.

There have been instances where I felt negatively influenced by another individual in recovery, however, the negative instances have been outweighed by the positive relationships I have experienced. These relationships have been very important to my continued recovery. In the same way that negative can feed off negative, positive can feed off positive. Discouraging people with significant mental illness from being friends with one another might not be the best approach for everyone. I believe that humans are complex and have diverse needs in all aspects of recovery. Some people may benefit from developing better and broader communication and relationship skills instead.

Even though some of the peers in my support system were dealing with significant problems, the relationships were invaluable to me in multiple ways. Being able to help my peers in their recovery process has been a crucial part of my own recovery. Supporting others helped me find meaning in what I had gone through myself. People felt comfortable asking me for help because of my personal experience and watching me move forward in my recovery helped my peers see possibilities for their own lives.

Whether through my work as a Certified Peer Specialist (CPS), as a friend, or as a community member, helping other people manage their mental health has been a huge part of my life. One thing I frequently share with my peers is the thought process I experienced after receiving a diagnosis. In those early years, I believed that I was incapable of getting better, and that I would never be able to manage my emotions outside of an institutional setting. I remember one day, while feeling hopeless in a psychiatric unit, I started wondering: "Why can't I get better? What am I doing wrong?" I knew that people kept telling me I needed to do more to help myself, but I was going to therapy, and completing the homework. I didn't know any other way to help myself. I was feeling bored in my hospital bed, so I asked for a book at the nurse's station. They gave me a cognitive behavioral therapy book for teenagers, and I read it front to back. I became really interested in the idea that I could control my own emotions by changing my thoughts. This was really one of the most important steps early in my recovery. I spent the next few years learning and practicing the skills I obtained in cognitive therapy and dialectical behavior therapy.

After learning healthy and effective interpersonal skills, I realized that my recovery was suddenly moving much faster. Amazingly, finding a better way to interact with other people seemed to be a necessary first step that I had to complete before I could move on with my recovery. This was a life changing realization for me. It became easier for me to manage conflict after learning better communication skills, and rationalization. Rationalization was an important skill I learned from cognitive behavior therapy, and it helped me learn how to challenge the way I thought about things. This made a huge difference in the way I was able to process my interactions with other people. These skills helped me feel less misunderstood and gave me the ability to be assertive about my wants and needs. Once I no longer had to deal with the constant ups and downs of tumultuous relationships, I was able to really focus on getting my other symptoms under control.

Learning better communication skills was an extremely important step, but I still had more work to do. Despite having the skills, I still felt a lack of fulfillment in my social life. I realized some important things at this point. I still had preconceived notions of what a healthy social life was supposed to look like, and I was uncomfortable with the idea of being alone. After some extensive reflection, I realized that I was depending on other people to make me feel happy. This was an impossible expectation because I could not control the behaviors of other people. I had recently started attending college and decided that it would be a good idea for me to get a fresh start in a new town where I didn’t know anyone. This was very scary for me since I had always depended on companionship for my happiness. I realized that the extreme emotional responses I was having to other people’s actions was limiting my ability to progress further in my recovery. This is when I decided that moving somewhere new might be my best option. I wasn't totally cutting myself off from supports but was instead simply gaining some distance.

After moving, my life changed. I became fully engaged in my education, and I was enjoying myself. Even though I had not made many close friends in college, I interacted with a lot of people. I started becoming more confident and found enjoyment in hobbies such as painting and electronics repair. After some time, I realized that I actually enjoyed my alone time a lot. Instead of craving more time with people, I started craving more time by myself. I had finally managed to become comfortable with myself. It wasn't until I reached this point that I felt true fulfillment and social connectedness. In the past, my desperation for human interaction had taken over my ability to maintain healthy boundaries. Finding happiness in solitude is what brought me out of toxic relationships and helped me strengthen the relationships I had with my support network. I was no longer overwhelming my supports with my need for constant companionship.

To this day, I am still learning and improving my communication and socialization skills. I use the knowledge and experience I have gained to help my peers, and I learn from my peers as well. Many people have stories about finding social connectedness, and first-hand testimonies can provide important information to both professionals, and other peers. I believe there is a lot to be gained from peers and professionals sharing stories, knowledge, and working together. We can learn from each other and find new ways to help individuals in recovery learn to thrive in all aspects of their lives.

Biography

I am an individual who has been living with a significant mental illness since childhood. Through years of hard work, I was able to take control of my symptoms, and build a life that I am happy with. I now work as a certified peer support specialist at Unity Family Services in Kittanning, PA. Prior to this I worked for the National Alliance on Mental Illness through the Armstrong/Indiana County Consumer and Family Satisfaction Team for several years. Outside of these professional roles, I have also spent a lot of time helping other individuals with mental illness find ways to manage their symptoms and take back control over their lives.

Contact Information

Joan Moore

724-548-8601